This is something I often find myself slipping on... acting according to only my feelings, without regard for what ought to take place--if I were of ‘sane mind’ that is. If my hope and joy evaporate for any reason, so it seems does my innate willingness to ‘meet’ people and their needs of me; failing in obliging them when it might be a big kindness to them but a relatively low cost to me, and missing the opportunity--obliging is a worthwhile activity in anyone’s language. Taking care to be obliging often costs very little for much potential gain.
This is what a master sage says:
“Most talk and act, not as they are, but as they are obliged. To persuade people of ill is easy for any, since the ill is easily credited even when at times it is incredible. The best we have depends on the opinion of others. Some are satisfied if they have right on their side, but that is not enough, for it must be assisted by energy. To oblige persons often costs little and helps much. With words you may purchase deeds. In this great house of the world there is no chamber so hid that it may not be wanted one day in the year, and then you would miss it however little is its worth. Every one speaks of a subject according to his feelings.” –Balthasar Gracian.
Speaking predominantly from our feelings is fraught with danger. It’s very childlike; the negative, wounded child. It reeks as a loss of control over our self. And the result of treating people badly when they seek our help is we naturally lose or damage our otherwise good reputations. We then need to say sorry and seek forgiveness to repair the damage.
The numerous ‘chambers in the world’ that Gracian talks about are people; people we might discount as being of no use to us now, until they suddenly would be of use, and our earlier disregard of them harms our cause. Foresight dictates that we might just benefit from obliging a person or situation that least promises a return. Think of it as ‘paying it forward.’ Either way it is right to be kind without thought of what we might get out of the deal.
The initial statement in the above quote also speaks of the reverse phenomenon where people do things, not because they should, but because they’re obliged. This is an attempt at people-pleasing that doesn’t help our cause. The remedy is courage and prudence. It is hard for most people as we naturally like to please people--at times this runs counter to common sense, setting precedents that would be difficult to repeat; enter that loathsome feeling of regret. Regret always comes too late.
By far and away the best lesson here, however, is to be obliging when we can and to be even-handed in our doing so. It’s also a call to be mindful of feelings having the upper hand and swaying our judgment too much. The less feelings come into play regarding our decision making the better.
Copyright © 2008, S. J. Wickham. All Rights Reserved Worldwide.
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